


Nobody Here To See

by The_Fanclub_1



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 10:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15884250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Fanclub_1/pseuds/The_Fanclub_1
Summary: Tsurugi does a lot of thinking and kinda has a mental breakdown. I think.





	Nobody Here To See

**Author's Note:**

> this actually took a while and i finished it on his birthday i promise hnnn i just never posted it

Tsurugi was both a lot of things yet nothing. He was a dog, a boot licking shit, a paid slave, hell a whore for enough money. But yet, if you asked him who Tsurugi was, what kind of person Tsurugi was, he’d reverse the question. Ask what you wanted Tsurugi to be. Question to what amount are you willing to pay. Anything to avoid thinking about the question he’d been avoiding for so long. Who was Tsurugi. Honestly, he didn’t know.

The magician sighed. He didn’t want to think about this. Not now. He needed a mission. Then all he would have to think about what he was told to do, get paid, and go to sleep. The next day he could repeat. That was the easy life he had. And so what if he was blank? So what if he was hollow, empty, shallow even? That was life wasn’t it?

Knew it already fine, misery inside, at myself, I would laugh, fallen down behind  
But I don’t know a thing, love or losing, see? So I threw to the side any human in me  
If I live a lie of shallow words and empty replies, then what am I?

He closed his eyes at the end of his day mission over and wage earned. He still had the feeling of hollowness with a query ringing in his mind like a mantra. ‘What am I?’ He turned on his side on the small bed where he’d slept for a long time. The worn sheets and white walls all too familiar to him. “What am I, huh? I don’t think I know…” And there was nothing Tsurugi could do about that. So instead, he slept. 

The morning arrived with reality, cruel as ever, in full force. They had an emergency job and with only someone like Tsurugi even willing to take another mission at that time in the morning the black haired male found himself helping subdue a test subject rampaging through the facility. After that was sorted out, he spent the day doing dirty work for Touma. Anything to keep his mind blank.

Hitting walls of a stage that I couldn’t break, then it stuck in my head, gotta run away  
Playing out like a scene, posing every lead, near the end of the show, waiting in the wing, see?

Run to front stage, you’re all actors anyway, no one to watch, you’re all part of the play

He swore he could hear the words ringing loudly through the whole room and had to remind himself that no, it was just his head playing a stupid song he’d heard the day before. It was stupid. He’d seen clickbait on his youtube feed and of course watched the damn video. After watching it though, it hit decidedly too close to home for him. Never had he regretted his impulsive nature more than now. He closed his eyes hoping to block out the noise of his own brain when a sharp cry rang through the air. He snapped up his head and saw Jun holding little Takuto who was wailing and flailing around. He blinked utterly surprised.

“Churugiiiiii!” The toddle continued to wail much to what looked like his fathers dismay. 

 

“Takuto… Tsurugi has work to do… Can’t you stay with me or Yumikage?” He swore his sons attachment to Tsurugi was going to be the death of him. Wasn’t his papa good enough? 

“Noooooooo! CHURUGI!” THe cries got impossibly louder and Tsurugi had to cover his ears.

“I’m here, I’m here~ Come here~” He opened his arms for the toddler ecstatic to see how much the child wanted to see him. 

Seeing the magician he stopped crying but struggled harder trying to get out of his papa’s arms to run to the raven haired male. Once he was set down, he ran straight to Tsurugi and hugged the only part of him he could reach, his legs, as tightly as his little arms could.

Tsurugi almost cried. This kid was so cute. He lifted him up and smiled widely at him. “Now~ Who wants to cause trouble with me?”

Takuto was a god temporary distraction. But he was temporary nonetheless. Soon after pranking 3 people he fell asleep tired out from running around, laughing, and his earlier tantrum. And Tsurugi never hated night more. He’d never really slept well and when he had so many doubts bouncing around his head still, the wasn’t a chance in hell he was sleeping now. He turned for what must’ve been the 8 millionth since he laid down. He just couldn’t sleep with thoughts like who was he and why was he even alive jumping around. 

Times like this, in a time not too long past, he would talk to the Servamp of Envy all night or sneak into Mikuni’s bed and feel safe knowing the blond was close by. But they were gone now and with them his comfort and the person he’d thought he once was.

There’s no one inside me, there’s no one that’s hiding  
Always been me, empty, a body but nobody here to see

 

So hurry up and bite down whoever you found, game over, give it up now  
Mayday, a double agent, struggling over love and discontent  
And here I wait for something to twist the plot dramatically again

 

The words echoed in his mind repeating in a tortuous cycle. God he hated himself for listening to that song. He decided sleep was taking too long while thoughts took him down a path he’d rather not visit. Not when it was still so fresh. It had only happened 2 month ago. That was too recent for him. He got up and started doing whatever quiet and intense exercise he could think of. Anything so he didn’t have to think anymore.

Morning found him on the floor. He’d passed out it seemed. He groaned and sat up. His back made a nasty crack and he decided he shouldn’t do that anymore. Not in the near future at least. His daily grind of work, eat, work, beg and boot lick began. He worked a bit harder to keep his mind blank and begged a bit more to get out of the horrendous mind numbing paperwork. Then, as a rare treat he went out with Yumikage and Jun to eat. Jun and Yumi paid of course. He’d rather not eat than pay and eat out. He was too cheap for that. The meal out ended after Yumi was removed for making a ruckus and Tsurugi licked a waitresses shoe who’d claimed she’d pay him. He didn’t see the problem. She’d asked him to after all. At least he got 1,000 yen. He shrugged as Yumi yelled at him again for licking the shoe. Why was everyone so upset? He huffed as he was driven back to C3.

The worst part of the day came then. Night. Alone with his thoughts once more, the song returned with a vengeance and it was then he knew it wouldn’t end until he faced up to it. But Tsurugi was never good at facing up to things. He’d rather run until he was chased into a corner and then beg and lick his way back out. It was easier that way. Health? Probably not.

Oh you too yes yes so take a deep breath, you know how this’ll all end  
Head shot, we took it too far, but if you aim, go for the heart  
We’re pulling at the boundary, unseen, a curtain dyed in black soon came to be  
And knowing that those eyes are watching…

This part always made him think of Mikuni. How he’d always tried his damndest whenever Mikuni was watching. And how it wasn’t enough. How Mikuni saw right through to the empty shitty person he really was. He’d couldn’t even fool a kid. He gripped his short ravn locks and resisted the urge to scream. He couldn’t think about this, not now. He hit his head against the wall until he was too dizzy to get up. The next morning found him on the floor again. He groaned now with back and head pain. Damn.

That day was busy too and he found himself devoid of thoughts about Mikuni. His night was filled with a mission so that too was free. It wasn’t until he close his eyes to sleep he got hit especially hard by that god forsaken song he couldn’t seem to forget.

It was the kind of dream where you see pictures more than you actually do anything and it was pictures of Mikuni when he’d first found him throughout the time he’d been with him. The first time he’d seen him smiling to the time he’d first taken a hit for Mikuni. He found himself smiling and couldn’t stop it. Unable to help how happy the blond’s mere presence made him. Then the dream turned dark like a horror movie which began happy. The pictures turned to the end of Mikuni’s time at C3. He was always distressed, upset, and angry. So angry at Tsurugi. Then, Mikuni’s retreating back. The pictured faded out. Tsurugi fell to his knees sobbing. Not willing to look up any longer for fear of what he’d seen.

Finally the part that took the cake began. The words reverberated out in a way similar to what must’ve been the original song. And he hated it.

Broke it all with a touch if I do recall, hiding all of the shame, all I did was fall  
We were young, never bound by a single sin, til before we could see, we were monsters in skin  
But even if I had tried to move on, why can’t I leave my past?  
He screamed and awoke still screaming, crying, and clutching his head. He couldn’t take this much longer. No, he never could. Too fragile. Too weak. Too useless just like always. He tried to scream, tried to keep the song away by drowning it out but it kept playing kept going throughout his cries.

“Considering it’s you, better give up soon” “Cuz no matter what you do, you will always lose”  
And then I was alone way before I knew, blocking every little thought that I couldn’t sit through

 

All they want now is safety from what’s around, waiting for help but never learning how

He sobbed, shook, and writhed with every word. Finally he stopped moving and crying. There was no way around it. This just had to run its course huh? Backed into a corner and unable to stop it any longer. This was exactly how he knew it would end up….

I don’t wanna think now, I’ll play dumb anyhow  
Always been me, empty, a body but nobody here to see

 

He thought of all the things he did in a day. The thousands of masks he wore to make everyone else happy. How he still couldn’t answer that damn question. Who was he.

So standing at the front line and maybe this time, I’ll be there with a flag high  
Outmatched but easygoing, never gonna need a script with me 

And here I keep them burning to twist the plot dramatically again

 

He thought of every person he’d ever betrayed, lied to, hurt because he was told, because he was paid, not because he wanted to. No because he was someone to be bought and sold. Owned and told. Not someone who is who he wants to be. No, something, that was what he was, a thing.

Oh you too yes yes so take a deep breath, swear that you’ll see me again  
One chance is all I have now, and so I better make it count  
Climatic ending, come see, the final act, I’m shaken to my knees

Yet crying and lonely

He thought all the promises he and Mikuni had made to cover their own feelings, to justy each other. He thought of the betrayed face Mikuni had worn after he found out the truth. He remembered the moment when Mikuni had turned and walked away from C3, from them, from everything and left. That moment he’d burned into his own mind. And the way he’d sat inside his room and cried alone for hours after the blond had left. 

The world that I locked out is nowhere to find, the people who mocked me are gone from my sight  
Emotions and feelings are useless to keep, the tears that had fallen were not mine to weep  
The kindness and warmth, I can’t feel them at all, the hands that are offered I’m scared that I’ll fall  
The hole dug inside me can’t hold any love, instead, you can see me break down from above

Tsurugi almost laughed at the words. How true they were. How much he hated it. He pushed anyone who tried to help him, to save him, as far as he could. Too scared of getting close he ran from anyone who tried to help him. Yumi, JUn, hell, even Mikuni had tried to get him out of here. He’d wanted to leave with him together. But Tsurugi wouldn’t, no. He was right under Touma’s thumb.

Hey, remember when you saw that they were nearing their end?  
And you looked like you were laughing at the pain they were in  
But what did you see? Oh really what could it be,  
Well, take a breath ‘cuz you’ll need it, so c’mon saying

Always been me, empty, a body but nobody here to see

He remembered Mikuni’s sneering face. The way he seemed to laugh at anyone in pain or in a position below him be it friend or foe. And how even though he didn’t particularly like it, he was always right next to him doing the same. Because that was what Mikuni wanted.

So hurry up and bite down whoever you found, game over, give it up now  
Mayday, a double agent, struggling over love and discontent

And here I wait for something to twist the plot dramatically again

Flashed of the earlier nights came and when he heard those words. The way he’d taken Mikuni in replayed right before his eyes for what must’ve been the millionth time since MIkuni had left. And then of course him leaving.

Oh you too yes yes so take a deep breath, you know how this’ll all end  
Head shot, we took it too far, but if you aim, go for the heart  
We’re pulling at the boundary, unseen, a curtain dyed in black soon came to be

 

And knowing that those eyes are watching…

The way that yes, as long as those eyes are watching he’ll always be this way. Always obey and be paid to do this. As long as Touma watched him.

**Author's Note:**

> this is trash I'm sorry


End file.
